Find Your Happiness

Today would have been Elijah Damari's third birthday. To be honest, it is pretty difficult for me to imagine our angel babies as three year olds since it feels like Nathaniel was just three yesterday. To me, Elijah Damaris and Ruth James will always be little babies. Needing to be carried. Needing to be fed. Needing to be hugged. Needing to be loved. Time does heal... Eventually, it really does. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them but I have accepted God's plan. I have come to peace with our losses. And God's plan was to keep Elijah and Ruth by His side while I take care of Nathaniel, Amelia, and soon to be Eleanor here on earth-side. And it brings me comfort to know that two of our children are already dancing and rejoicing with our Heavenly Father. But the sadness. That will never go away. I am at peace but I still have my moments of sadness. When I think (and I often do) of the age gap between Nathaniel and Amelia. When the month of March rolls...

Today would have been Elijah Damaris' first birthday. And so we dedicate this whole day remembering and celebrating the brief lives of our two children that are now waiting for us in heaven.  Last year , I spent most of the day crying. I was not only grieving the loss of two children but the uncertainty of another chance to be a mother again. Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, Thankfully, this year is a little different. Today was spent with less tears and more smiles. Less anger and more hope. Less withdrawing and more snuggling with my children. The pain and grief are certainly still there, as I assume they always will. But today is brighter than last year. By the living Word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God. For my God is faithful. He keeps His Covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments. My God granted us the de...

(Lunch with my firstborn) When I had our first miscarriage in July, I knew I wanted to celebrate Elijah Damaris ' brief life on earth by celebrating it on the due date. And then when we lost another one ( Ruth James ), I became even more determined to celebrate and remember  these little ones on that specific day. Well, today is that day. Today was supposed to be our second child's birth day. Flower, gleam and glow Let your power shine I wanted today to be a happy celebration. Joyous at the thought that we have, not just one, but two little angels waiting to meet us in heaven. And I knew that I would have a moment of sadness. But I didn't expect to feel just and only  that. Make the clock reverse Bring back what once was mine I cried two days ago when Nathaniel pointed at a snoozing little baby in a stroller and said he wanted one. I cried at the grocery store as I buy the ingredients for tonight's "special" dinner. I cried yeste...

I just realized that I never made an update on the blog about my follow-up results. Well, everything came back normal: no clotting disorders, no chromosomal abnormalities, and my HgA1C is perfect. There was a tiny bit concern about my thyroid function: TSH was low. However, it wasn't too far out of the normal range to warrant any treatment. With that being said, Hubby and I are back on trying again as of this month/cycle. And that explains the title of this post (TTC: trying to conceive). I am emotionally ready to try again although I am petrified  of having another miscarriage. I really don't think I can handle another heartbreak. It still pains me to think that if we didn't lose Elijah, I will already be at my third trimester. I am clinging and trusting in God's great plan but mostly I am praying for clarity. And patience. Because the unknown is such a scary thing.

I had a follow up appointment with my OB today to hopefully get answers and begin to understand why I had two miscarriages. Our OB ordered several labs to test for clotting disorders, check my thyroid function and for chromosomal abnormalities from both me and my husband. I am also supposed to fast tonight since my OB wanted a HgA1C done. He wants an early screening for diabetes because of family history and uncontrolled blood glucose can cause pregnancy loss. The results won't be back for another 3-4 weeks so it's just a waiting game until then. The roses are from a long time family friend and brothers and sisters in Christ. These beauties have been brightening our days for the past few days. We are truly blessed and grateful that we are surrounded by loving family and friends during this dark and confusing time.

When I finally found the courage to tell the world about Elijah Damaris , I didn't think I will have to summon that strength again. I had sincerely hoped that the next pregnancy news I will announce will be of a glorious one. Not of another loss. On September 16th, we lost Ruth James after only knowing of him/her for two weeks. Our third child was roughly four weeks when he/she joined our Heavenly Father and older brother/sister Elijah Damaris. We were so hopeful and filled with joy for the pregnancy was perfect and going smoothly until that day when I had sudden heavy bleeding and cramps. Having experienced it just very recently, we knew what was happening and what to expect and yet we were still completely at a loss as to why it was happening again. We were reassured this was not supposed to happen again. We were told the likelihood of a repeat miscarriage was slim. For I am a healthy woman at the peak of my fertile years. I had a previous full-term and h...

Last week, Nathaniel painted his first canvas, which we designed as a remembrance for his late baby brother/sister, Elijah Damaris . The words are the title to my favorite church song but also a great description of how we feel about the miscarriage. Our God is in control. His plans are always greater than our earthly plans. And although we do not fully understand His reasoning for taking the baby, it is well with our soul. Hubby placed the vinyl on the canvas and I chose the colors. When doing this type of craft with a toddler, it is best to stick with just two colors. Because otherwise, it will just be a big brown mess :) I chose blue and green because it not only matched our guest bedroom, but it also has this calming effect that goes perfectly with the words. (The orchid and bromeliad plants are from my brother-in-law's family in California. They adopted and welcomed us as part of their family while we were stationed in Monterey. We are very blessed to ha...

This is the hardest post I have had to write to date. I have written several different versions of it in my head but always hoping for a certain outcome. I have started it several times only to delete it once I'm finished. I have contemplated not writing about it at all and to just bury it inside me. So I had to search deep inside my soul as to why I am posting about this on the world wide web for the entire world to see. Is it because I want sympathy? No. Is it because it's part of my grieving and healing process? Somewhat. But the real reason I am telling you about this is because I want people to know about Elijah Damaris. I want everyone to know that he/she existed. I want you to know about the child we lost. On July 15th, I took a pregnancy test which revealed that we were expecting our second child. My husband and I laughed and rejoiced at the fact that we may be the most fertile couple in the world---we got pregnant at the first month of trying again. However, thi...